Category Archives: Death

I Stopped Living, When He Started Dying

02 Saturday Sep 2023

Posted by in Death, Faith, Life, Uplifting

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Rodney was my baby brother. He was the kind of kid who got into everything because he was so smart and bored, which made him curious. His curiosity made him the toughest kid on the block! He knew about everything and wanted to experience it all. Back in the day, they called it “behavior issues,” but today, it’s referred to as A.D.D. I was always tasked with taking care of Rodney since he was the youngest. We lost our mom when Rodney was 11 years old. In June of 2022, he was diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer, and we both faced that reality together. From that day until he passed away on July 14th, 2023, he was still my baby, and I miss him dearly.

That title took a lot of realization and hurt to admit. The day my Baby Brother Rodney was diagnosed with Lung Cancer, I felt like I had that diagnosis too. No GOD, this can’t be true! Not one of the most important people in my life, and you’re gonna take him too? You have all my family! My Mom, Dad, Brother, and now you want Rodney? I was mad, I was hurt, and I didn’t want to accept it. I thought, maybe it’s a test! Maybe GOD will let Rodney be a testimony of healing. But HE didn’t. HE took him too. This was so pain jolting to me because I felt Rodney’s whole cancer experience. When he hurt, I hurt. When his back hurt, I couldn’t sleep because I felt a burning from my lower back to my legs. When he called me upset and crying, we cried together. When his legs hurt, my legs hurt.

I stopped living and took his death sentence with him. I wouldn’t do things when he was sick because I felt like, why would I enjoy life when he couldn’t! How many of us love someone so much that we feel their pain, hurt, stress, and regrets? I wanted to be available when he called me 3, 4 times a day. I didn’t want to be around “people”, only my kids and grandkids. I shared everything with him. We talked about our childhood, how we grew up, how messed up things were, but we truly loved each other. We faced dislike and punishment because we had light skin color, and yes, it was tough. But I kept Rodney safe as much as I could. Not to mention, Rodney was mischievous and didn’t care about getting a whooping! LOL. But he was still my baby brother whom I loved unconditionally.

Now I talk to him in my dreams. I laugh with him when he shows up on the clouds. Fly free as I always say. I still wake up with tears when I see him in my dreams, and I miss him. He was the last of my family dynamic and we related to each other in everything. When they told him the cancer had spread, and he had less than 2 months left, he made one phone call because he didn’t want to say this but once, and that was to me. Everything he needed to tell me about our love, he said it. Everything he wanted to thank me for in life, he thanked me, and I did the same to him. Even though I was on a floor, damn near balled up in tear coma, GOD gave me the extra strength to talk to him. To have some closure and to let him know, I’ll be there till the end. It’s been 6 weeks now, and I’m still in pain. I exist, but I don’t live. I’m glad I can realize that and try to start working on it. But grief is a bitch that I truly HATE! As soon as you feel a little better, it pops in like that family member who only shows up when they want something! lol.

As I heal, I realize I have to live again. I can’t die with him because he’s with GOD and our family, and I know he’s a lot happier than I am. He’s laughing with Jr. and loving on Mom, and arguing with Daddy! LOL. I have to make them happy by living for them. But I’ll take it one day at a time. When you think your heart can’t break any more… just hold on. One is coming for you. I’ll make sure every day, they can look down and say, she did that! By loving as much as I can, remembering them in everything I do, and thanking GOD for the laughs, the smiles, the tears, and the fun time we shared together. I know grief is hard, but this too shall pass. But one day at a time. Now that little boy who was so adventurous is sailing in the clouds looking out for me as one of my most loved Angels. He has the wings to fly wherever I am now, and I love it. I always look for Rodney in the clouds, and he never lets me down. I’ll always love this boy. And I’ll miss him just as much. ❤️

This is the day Rodney died. The clouds appeared to be him in transition, then an Angel, then off on a motorcycle he loved.

“I Can’t Breathe”

25 Sunday Sep 2016

Posted by in Babies, Death, Faith, Fathers, Happy, Life, mothers, Mothers, Uncategorized, Uplifting

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As I sat on the couch and watched my Dad in the hospital, with the oxygen in his nose, he would take these deep breaths, then he would pause before he would breath again. I would sit there and watch him, just to make sure he could breath. As I watched him, and I watched tv with all the protests in Charlotte, all I could think about was the phrase, “I can’t breath”. When it weights this heavy on my mind, I have to write.

“I can’t breathe”.. The 1st time was when my Dad told me my Mom died. I remember taking that deep breath in, and not letting one out…

“I can’t breath”… When I saw my Mom in the coffin and the glass covering her whole body..

“I can’t breathe”… When my Grandmother was dying with cancer and on her way to the hospital she said, this was going to be her last trip to the hospital because she knew she’d never come home again.

“I can’t breathe”.. When I found out RC had died in surgery from a car accident and my 1st born child would never get to see his father.

“I can’t breathe”.. When Jr. didn’t wake up and Nita told me to get home as soon as I can because my Brother had died.

You get my point? I can breathe never ends up with something good. Then I think about when a parent has to see their child gunned down in the streets. Not by a police, but by ANYONE!! I think about the wives who witness the murder of their husbands, I think about the men who are only trying to protect their families, or the women who are trying to protect their families. When you can’t breath, your chest hurts, your eyes fill with water, and you don’t know whether to run or be still, but it all hurts!

I can’t breath when I think about the injustice of society. I can’t breath when I think about how we’ve worked so hard to get to where we can all get along and “society” can rip us apart like paper. I can’t breath when we as MOMS have to bury our children too soon for nothing. I can’t breathe when I see racist hate because of the color of someone’s skin!  Not breathing hurts.!! The only cure for not breathing, is breathing! I pray for everyone to be able to breathe. Not breathing is a natural part of life that was made to take your breath away and it already hurts, but the unnecessary “I can’t breathe” has to stop. And once I finished writing this blog, my updated iWatch said “BREATHE’! So it’s also taking 1 minute for you to just take time from you day to breathe. How ironic. Look at your life, look at the people in your life. Look at who’s worth your breath, and those are the people that you fight for! Don’t settle for the injustice.  We’ve come to far to turn back now.  Breathe!

Love and Hugs,

The Real Mommie Teresa